


@shitmichaelsays

by donutsandcoffee



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, POV Outsider, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 01:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutsandcoffee/pseuds/donutsandcoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Profile for @shitmichaelsays,</b> <i>four months ago</i><br/>Hi guys I’m Ryan and I have a colleague called Michael. This is where I tweet all the shit he says.<br/><b>Following:</b> 0 | <b>Followers:</b> 1,039</p>
            </blockquote>





	@shitmichaelsays

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the popular twitter account [@shitmydadsays](https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays)
> 
> sorry i'm not sorry
> 
> originally posted [on tumblr](http://michaelsgavin.tumblr.com/post/87608302150/shitmichaelsays)

**Profile for @shitmichaelsays,** _four months ago_  
Hi guys I’m Ryan and I have a colleague called Michael. This is where I tweet all the shit he says.  
 **Following:**  0 |  **Followers:**  1,039 

-

**@shitmichaelsays** the computer just stopped working. it was like a disillusioned old man who wanted to quit his job so much it didn’t even bother to notify anyone. he just. stopped. WORKING!  
 _Four months ago_

 **@shitmichaelsays** SWISS FUCKING CHEESE  
 _Four months ago_

-

_Three months ago, via Ryan Haywood_

Ryan doesn’t know why he’s being called into the office.

He hasn’t done anything wrong. Well, at least he  _thinks_  he hasn’t done anything wrong. Geoff didn’t look particularly serious when he asked Ryan a few hours ago to meet him after work, but then again, when did Geoff look anything different from he always does? Ryan still can’t tell the difference between Geoff’s ‘relax-dude-nothing-wrong-is-going-on’ smile and his ‘I-am-going-to-fuck-you-over-and-looking-calm-while-doing-so-because-I’m-badass-like-that’ smile.

He enters the main office and there are Geoff  _and_  Jack in it.

Oh, he is  _so_  fucked.

“Hey, Ryan, you okay?”

Geoff’s words snap him back to reality, and Ryan realizes he’s been standing and  _staring_  at the chair he’s supposed to have sat in five minutes ago.

Everyone knows Ryan is a pretty chill guy, but what they don’t know is that he doesn’t really do well under pressure.

“Am I being fired?” He blurts, because he can’t stand the tension anymore.

Geoff and Jack look at each other, and then  _burst out laughing_.

“For what?” Jack asks in between peals of laughter, and Ryan knows he’s being laughed at but he can only feel relieved.

“Dude, no, we just,” Geoff chimes in, “We’ve just found this thing you made.”

Geoff turns his computer screen to face Ryan, and Ryan could see the @shitmichaelsays twitter page on the screen.

He can’t help chuckling at the sight. “Couldn’t help making it,” he says, “I mean, when I saw the shitmydadsays twitter account, I  _knew_  I had to make one for Michael.”

Jack’s laughter has mostly subsided when he says, “such a pity it’s updated so irregularly.”

Ryan shrugs. “My office is different from Michael’s, so I don’t really hear those gems often, unless he shouts them. Which is, actually, often enough I guess.”

Geoff’s smile earns a more mischievous edge. “Okay,” he says, “now that it’s been established that it’s really  _your_  account, we have something to propose…”

-

**Profile for @shitmichaelsays,** _three months ago_  
Hi guys we’re Ryan, Jack and Geoff and we have a colleague called Michael. This is where we tweet all the shit he says.  
 **Following:** 0 |  **Followers** : 34,093

-

**@shitmichaelsays** Oh you son of a bitch don’t grow a dick. Don’t grow a goddamn dick and fuck me!!  
 _Three months ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays** It grew a fucking dick.  
 _Three months ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays** The game just grew a fucking dick and fucked me sideways!  
 _Three months ago via Twitter for iPhone_

-

_Two months ago, via Ryan Haywood_

“We gained thousands of followers per day,” Ryan says, genuinely surprised.

“More content, more followers,” Geoff simply says, and it’s explanation enough.

-

**@shitmichaelsays** will you calm the fuck down Gavin you spilled a fucking wine onto his shirt not sleep with his mom  
 _Two months ago via TweetDeck_

 **@shitmichaelsays** FUCKING SHIT MCNUGGET BRAND  
 _Two months ago_

 **@shitmichaelsays** You know if I die from a heart attack the only thing people are going to say is ‘Michael rage quits life!’  
 _Two months ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays** Yes, Gavin, that’s literally the only reason I don’t want to die from a heart attack. Not because I, you know, DON’T FUCKING WANT TO DIE.  
 _Two months ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays** Gavin I’m gonna slap you so fucking hard even Jesus wouldn’t ask you to turn the other cheek  
 _One month ago via TweetList_

-

**@AH_BrownMan** followed you

-

_One month ago, via Geoff Ramsey_

“Name your price,” Geoff says, not even looking away from his computer screen.

Ray isn’t looking away from his, either. He’s tapping the buttons on his game controller at an almost godly speed as his character in the fighting game he’s playing does multiple backflips.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies just when the words ‘YOU WIN’ appear on the screen.

Geoff surreptitiously looks around, making sure that the office is truly empty save for the two of them. “The twitter account,” he says once he’s really sure, “how did you find it?”

“Dude, did you seriously just ask me how did  _I_  find something on the  _internet_.”

Geoff huffs in amusement. Well, there’s no point dancing around the big question. “Touché,” he says, and then drops the question, “you’re not going to tell Michael about it, are you.”

“Geoffrey Ramsey, I can’t believe you would accuse me of such travesty,” Ray says in mock-hurt tone.

Geoff finally pauses his game and narrows his eyes at the back of Ray’s head. “Not buying your ‘good guy’ act. Name your price.”

Ray barks out a laugh, pauses his game too and gives Geoff a teasing wink. “Man, I have a revolutionary idea.”

-

**Profile for @shitmichaelsays _,_** _one month ago_  
Hi guys, we’re Ryan, Jack and Geoff and we have a colleague called Michael. This is where we tweet all the shit he says. Affiliated with @shitgavinsays  
 **Following:** 1 |  **Followers:** 735,330

 **Profile for @shitgavinsays _,_** _one month ago_  
what’s up guys this is Ray and Gavin is my idiot friend who says stupid shit. affiliated with @shitmichaelsays  
 **Following:** 1 |  **Followers:** 24,352

-

**@shitmichaelsays** WHERE THE FUCK IS GAVIN  
 _2 days ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays** an entire mountain has been eroded into a valley as we’re waiting for that fucking idiot  
 _2 days ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitmichaelsays**  who the FUCK takes an afternoon nap before going out drinking?!  
 _2 days ago via Twitter for iPhone_

 **@shitgavinsays** Ray I just woke up but please make an excuse for me tell Michael I’m helping an old lady cross the street or something  
 _2 days ago, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

-

_Two days ago, via Ray Narvaez Jr._

“Oh, it is  _on_ ,” Michael says, and he downs another shot of tequila without taking his eyes off Gavin.

Gavin has this slightly manic look on his face, and he slams his glass on the table as soon as he finishes his shot. His smile has  _challenge accepted_  written all over it.

“This is going to be  _fun_ ,” Ray says, and his grin looks positively predatory when he takes out his phone and opens his twitter application.

-

**@shitgavinsays** I think I would turn gay for you Michael  
 _2 days ago, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

 **@shitmichaelsays** SHUT UP GAVIN I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SEXY BRITISH VOICE  
 _2 days ago via TweetList_

 **@shitgavinsays**  is that true Michael do you think I have that sexy British look because I think you do  
 _2 days ago, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

 **@shitgavinsays** I mean I think you look sexy not British you don’t look British at all  
 _2 days ago, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

 **@shitmichaelsays** sHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS ANNOYING  
 _2 days ago via TweetList_

 **@shitmichaelsays** except your face. no actually your face is annoying too like your nose is so fucking big but it’s also nice so it’s okay  
 _2 days ago via TweetList_

-

**@AH_Michael** followed you

-

_Yesterday, via Ray Narvaez Jr._

“Gentlemen,” Ray says. The good news is, it’s early in the morning and Michael and Gavin haven’t arrived at the office yet. The bad news is…

Jack, Geoff and Ryan have equally pale faces as Ray shows them the latest follow notification of both @shitmichaelsays and @shitgavinsays twitter accounts, and Ray says, “prepare your buttholes because we’re about to be  _fucked_.”

-

_Yesterday, via phone call_

“Ray,” the voice on the phone is hoarse, like someone has dragged the words on sandpaper beforehand, “is Gavin coming to work today?”

Ray takes a glance at Michael and Gavin’s empty desk, and tries his best to sound calm. “Nope.”

“I figured so,” Michael says, and wow, it’s really weird to hear Michael sounding so…  _meek_. Before Ray can comment on it, though, Michael groans and says, “shit. My head’s fucking pounding. Don’t know why Geoff doesn’t fucking answer my phone but help me tell him I can’t go to work today?”

Ray glares at Geoff, who wears a faux-innocent expression. Ray knows very well why Geoff didn’t answer Michael’s call, and it has everything to do with the stupid twitter account.

He’s  _so_  beating Geoff in the next Vs. episode. “All right, I’ll pass the message to him,” he tells Michael, “you go get some rest.”

He’s ready to hang up when Michael suddenly says, “wait. About the twitter account?”

Ray freezes.  _Fuck,_  he thinks, because he thought he could get away with it.  _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Yeah?” He says, and it was most definitely  _not_ a squeak.

Michael doesn’t sound angry, though. In fact, he sounds oddly contemplative when he says, “did I really say all those things?”

Ray clears his throat. “Uh. Yeah?”

“When we went drinking yesterday? I really said that?”

“Yeah. I mean, we didn’t really tell you about this twitter account thing, but we wouldn’t, uh, make people think you say things you never said?”

“And Gavin?”

It takes Ray a few seconds to understand what Michael meant. “Er, yeah, he said those too.”

There’s a long stretch of silence, and Ray now wishes Michael would just scream and shout at him instead because this? This is  _weird_. And  _creepy as shit._

His wish isn’t answered, though. Michael finally says, “Oh, okay, I think, I think I need to do something,” and hangs up.

Ray stares at his hand phone screen for a few seconds in shock.

When he looks up, Jack, Geoff and Ryan are staring at him.

He tells them the entire conversation.

“Is he… is he going to do what I think he’s going to do?” Jack asks to nobody in particular, voicing everyone’s confusion and shock.

Geoff shakes his head, but he looks mostly fond.

“Those idiots are going to be fine,” Geoff says, and Ray couldn’t agree more.

-

**@shitmichaelsays** What? What do you mean my shirt looks too tight—  
 _5 minutes ago_

 **@shitmichaelsays** fuck  
 _5 minutes ago_

 **@shitmichaelsays** this isn’t Gavin’s  
 _5 minutes ago_

-

**@shitgavinsays** Michael did you take the wrong t shirt this morning  
 _Just now, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

 **@shitgavinsays** don’t stretch it it’s my favorite one  
 _Just now, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

 **@shitgavinsays** as revenge I’m wearing yours right now by the way  
 _Just now, retweeted by @shitmichaelsays_

-

**@shitmichaelsays** so, uh, I can explain  
 _Just now_

-

**Profile for @shitmichaelsays  
** Hi guys, we’re Ryan, Jack and Geoff and we have a colleague called Michael. This is where we tweet all the shit he says. Also, he’s dating @shitgavinsays now. About fucking time.  
 **Following:** 1 |  **Followers:** 1,042,560

 

-

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, some of the tweets are actually slightly more than 140 characters? pls suspend disbelief for this thank I tried ;-;


End file.
